G-R-I-E-F. A five-letter word whose full import you understand only when it hits you. And hits you hard and strong. The same feeling that came over when my mother messaged on 27th Feb morning – “Anuj died last night.” The words with their screeching finality pierced through my heart. How could that happen? My first thoughts were oh God why did I not go to visit him on his birthday? Why was I always busy, why did I always think I would go next year? I only wish I had known there would be no other chance.
You see, our dear Anuj lived in a loving home, after it became difficult for my aunt to manage him alone after my uncle’s death, under eerily similar conditions (cardiac arrest, collapse, and sudden death). She was also worried about what would happen to him after her own passing, though she also has my cousin sister and her family as her strongest and biggest support.
My thoughts went back to our childhood and the 6 of us first cousins at my grandparents’ house, or my aunt’s house, what fun those carefree days were. How Anuj would always make us laugh, with his dimpled smile, which never faded. His voice resounds in my head today – calling out to me and my sister, both of us much younger but of whom he was so fond.
This birthday of his, 20th January, when my aunt and cousin posted his picture on our family group, my other uncle exclaimed that Anuj looks so much like his father now. That was so sadly prophetical given what happened later.
On the day of Anuj’s cremation, as I sat in silence next to my little nephew (now not so little) with embers from the flames blowing over us on a day that was surreally sunny and cold-windy, sharing his pain and grief, I told him how nothing is in our hands. It was more a way of consoling myself because my tears today are more for why I did not spend more time with him. Anuj’s doctor of so many years was at the cremation. He told us how blessed he was to have looked after him, and how much his mates loved him. He was a child at heart, always happy.
Here is the poem my cousin sister wrote for her brother – her best one yet.
Two pair of footsteps on the sand
Two pair of footsteps in the mud
Whether it was sunshine or a mist
Together we stayed, no occasion we missed
Looking over the oceans
I stand all alone today
With a face smiling in my memories
And an ache in my heart
Stay blessed my little brother
Wherever you may be
I may not be able to touch you
But near me you shall always be
Anuj. 20.1.1968 -26.2.2019
Rest in peace my beloved brother. I do hope you knew just how much we loved you.
Lavendermistwithglitter 